The Earth’s oceans cover 71% of the planet, and make up for 99% of the living space on our absurd little spinning hunk of space rock. Now just sit there and think about all the horrifying alien-like creatures that are chilling right below your cruise ship on its way to Jamaica.
You have every reason to be terrified of the ocean. If you aren’t already reasonably petrified by the thought of that great salty unknown, here are a few reasons why you should stay on dry land forever and ever…
- Nobody Even Knows Just How Deep it Actually Is
They think maaaybe most of the ocean is about 40,000 feet deep, but they have zero way of knowing because we weak and mewling mortals can’t handle that kind of crazy.
- Even the Plant Life is Scary AF
Never mind that that seaweed LOOKS like a freaking Kraken from the deep, you could easily get tangled up in that seaweed and drown. It happens, man. And it’s 60 shades of what-the-hell.
- Sharks. Sharks Exist.
Not only do blood-sensing killing machines with up to 50 ROWS OF RAZOR SHARP TEETH swim around down there, they also come in far more terrifying types than you ever imagined. THAT is the goblin shark. It makes the classic great white or even those freaky-looking hammerheads seem like cute little goldfish.
- OH MY GOD WHAT EVEN IS THAT THING
Oh-My-God-What-Even-Is-That-Thing Exhibit A: The Frill Shark. (Oh yes. It’s real.)
Exhibit B: The Barreleye. (Those yellow orbs in it’s clear face are it’s eyes. Uh huh. No, thank you.)
Exhibit C: The Deepsea Hatchet Fish. (SOMEBODY TAKE A HATCHET TO ITS FACE, PRONTO.)
Exhibit D: The Fangtooth Fish
Exhibit E: The Angler Fish
Just stay out of the water.
- Most of the Ocean is Pitch Black
The intense darkness and fear of the unseen is enough to make anyone sweat. But that also means that no sunlight reaches the bottom of the ocean. Which means that no plants can grow down there. Which means that MOST THINGS DOWN THERE PREY ON FLESH.
They just hang out down there, eating whatever dead (or alive) thing that floats down to them. See those starfish? They’re munching on a whale carcass. And to think you used to pet them at the local aquarium. (Besides: their mouth is also their anus.)
- The Planet Spits Out Face-Melting Acid
There are just zillions of random vents and chasms that open up to the Earth’s boiling ooey gooey centers. Vents like these spew out boiling sulfuric acid. Even creepier still; there are freaky little organisms that have made happy little homes in and around these poisonous vents. Because they’re the spawn of Satan, clearly.
- We’ve Barely Explored It
We’ve explored an estimated 4% of our own universe. We’ve explored less than 5% of our oceans, despite the fact that they make up the majority of our own planet. So basically, we’ve explored the universe almost as much as the giant bodies of water in our own backyards.
That just goes to prove how scary the ocean actually is. It’s no wonder as to why nobody wants to go down there. Can you blame them?