St. Patrick’s Day is an Irish holiday celebrating a very important Catholic figure. But in America, we’ve bastardized it to an unrecognizable monstrosity. And here’s why it’s the best:
- Ireland Celebrates St. Patty’s Day With Church. We Celebrate It With Booze.
Real Irish citizens go to church on St. Patrick’s Day. Americans just culturally appropriated the crap out of it, and now use it as an excuse to binge drink. There’s nothing more American that taking something that’s not ours and turning it into a reason to drink to excess. U.S.A! U.S.A!
- In the U.S. on St. Patrick’s Day, Everyone is Irish. And Is Totally Obnoxious About It.
It’s often said that “everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day in the U.S. That’s fairly accurate. And if you have a drop of Irish heritage in your American Melting Pot veins, you drunkenly scream about it to everyone and at everything. If you’re NOT Irish, you just shrug and repeat that everyone’s Irish on this, the holiest of Americanized holidays. Alcohol and corned beef hash is the true unifier between races, gender, religions, and nationalities.
- We’ve Ruined/Improved St. Patty’s Possibly More Than We Did With Cinco de Mayo
Seriously. Most Americans have no clue what Cinco de Mayo is really even about. “…Mexican 4th of July,” we all cautiously guess. Doesn’t matter. We’ll take both holidays and make them about us, minus the cultural significance and dignity, plus a bunch of themed drinking. Add some sombreros, leprechaun hats, festive colors, and you’ve got yourself a tacky American holiday. TAKE THAT, FOREIGNERS; we party harder on your holidays than you do!
- You Can Dress Like a Moron And Everyone Loves It
The more annoying, suggestive, or offensive your outfit is, the better. Rent a cheesy leprechaun costume? You’ll get a free drink at the bar. Wear something emblazoned with “Kiss Me I’m Irish”? You’ll have mono by the end of the day. There’s truly nothing like it outside of the U.S.
- It’s Acceptable (If Not Encouraged) To Start Drinking at 7 a.m.
In fact, you’re looked down upon as a quitter if you aren’t chasing down your eggs and bacon with some Bailey’s-spiked coffee or green mimosas. A true American will have moved on to Irish car bombs around 1 p.m. and will cap off the day with several too many green beers. Then we’ll patriotically pass out in the street somewhere, while our green-clad comrades dance around our unconscious bodies to a Dropkick Murphys song.
- Our St. Patty’s Day Parades Mean Business
There are far more parades on St. Patrick’s Day in the U.S. than there are in Ireland. And we go hard. We’ve been known to dye entire rivers green each year, for godsakes. Again, St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland is a more dignified affair. Here, it’s 100% cheese and sleaze; just the way we Americans like it. We’ve taken an Irish holiday and warped it into a beautiful and horrifying American version of itself. We wouldn’t have it any other way.